Sir Humpton, Of Camelot
by The Flying Seacat
Summary: THIS IS A WONDERFUL STORY OF SIR HUMPTON AND HIS JOURNEY. IT IS A STORY OF LOVE, JEALOUSY, AND BETRAYAL. IT IS A STORY THAT WILL BE TOLD FIFTHEVER.
1. Chapter 1

SIR HUMPTON, of CAMELOT

THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF HAPPINESS. There was a man by the name of Sir Walter Mangrove Humpton. He was a very short man. His belly was round like the full moon, and his feet were large like penises or whatever the plural of penis is. His face was jolly and drunken and full of the morning dew like some sort of evening elf. He reminded many of Jackie Chan except fat... and full of fail. Also, he was a white man, which is a supreme disadvantage to him, but it's okay since almost everyone there was also white which in itself is unfortunate.

He lived in the great land of Camelot of which King Arthur was the boss. King Arthur treated all his womens with respects. But Guinevere was different because she was a bitch! and not the good type! And she would all the time be yelling at King Arthur about his womens, but Arthur knew when to slap a ho. But then she would cry and it was not good.

Sir Humpton. He liked to hump. It did not matter what it was, he would hump it. Even your ugly sister. He was surprisingly never arrested for sodomy, and it was good. He humped all the trees in the kingdom, and All the king's dogs and handmaidens.

One day the sun was shining upon sir Humpton as he came upon a meadow, soft and sweet and full of flowers. He eyed the flowers ru-fully. And began his hump. he humped the trees and somehow the Smurf theme was playing in the distance. He began to hump the flowers and they screamed! Nearby villagers heard the screams and came running, but it was too late, the flowers were destroyed and Humpton had a creamy load in his panties. OHH NOOO. They grabbed the torches and purified the violated meadow with fire! THEN, FROM THE DISTANCE, came the neigh of a majestic horse! Holy music played from the heavens as a figure on a horse came closer.

His hair shown gold, as the rays from the sky basked him it its warmth. His eyes were like limpid liquid pools of vomit, pungent, green, and really difficult to look at for too long. He wore a suit of metal but it had blood stains on it so it wasn't as cool as it could have been.

"Pray, tell me," The man on the horse said to Sir Humpton, "What is your name?"

Sir Humpton was in awe of such a glorious man. "I am Sir Humpton, son of George and Susan."

"I don't give a fuck about George and Susan." The man said. "I am King Arthur of Camelot , and I like your style. Jump on my mighty steed and we shall ride to Camelot."

Sir Humpton grabbed King Arthurs and was pulled up onto the horse. They began to ride away, leaving the villagers and fire. "Do you feel that?" King Arthur asked. "I feel something wet upon my rear."

"It must be your sweat." Sir Humpton said.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"This, odd sir, is the land of Camelot!" said King Arthur.  
"YOU DUMBSHIT I LIVE HERE," said Sir Humpton.  
Well, it WASN'T good. An awkward silence settled between the two men when suddenly, behold! An ambush!  
"HOLD ON TO YOUR TROUSERS!" King Arthur belted, drawing his long hard sword. And with one fowl swoop beheaded three or four ambushers. AND IT WAS GOOD.  
Sir Humpton was impressed and aroused. He did what he always did when he was impressed. He humped.  
"WHAT THE DUCE ARE YOU DOING, SIR HUMPTON?" yelled King Arthur as he jumped off the horse. "THAT'S NOT COOL, BRO!"  
King Arthur's horse threw Sir Humpton off. Sir Humpton landed on his ass and it was good. In fact, I would give it a ten. Sir Humpton looked around and found a snake hole and began to hump. He humped fast and hard, like a jack hammer in jell-o.  
A hiss was heard from the hole that was at the moment, being violated by a strange man. Sir Humpton began to scream in either pleasure or pain, no one was quite sure.  
The ambushers after seeing such a sight fell down to the ground, dead. The ground was littered with bodies. Some without heads, some were getting head.  
Woodland creatures came out of the forest. They began to eat the dead bodies. And it was good. Squirrels began to lick the blood of the ground.  
"Ask me my favorite soda."  
"What?" said King Arthur.  
"Ben Afflack."  
"The fuck is wrong with you?" King Arthur asked as he watched the woodland creatures feast.  
King Arthur soon realized that Sir Humpton was a magnet for the obscene and crude. This intrigued Arthur.  
"Magical," said King Arthur. "I wonder if this would work in battle against my enemies.." King Arthur got back on his horse. "Come along, Sir Humpton, we ride for Camelot."

Upon their arrival in the kingdom of CAMELOT's head, Tintagel Castle, King Arthur's hands helped him off his horse.

Sir Humpton rolled off of the horse and looked around in amazement. "THIS? THIS SHIT HOLE IS TINTAGEL?"

Arthur wanted to smack this bitch till his tits fell off but controlled his anger. "Yes, my good Sir Humpton." King Arthur inhaled soundly the sweet smell of excrement lined streets and dirty peasants. "Sir Humpton, eh?" He repeated to himself slowly. "Aye, Sir Humpton!" He called, "If Thou hast not visited my castle hitherto, how is it that thou is a knight?"

"It is a long story that involves a drunken ogre, two rabbits, and a small elf prince." Sir Humpton said as they walked to the castle. "But if you wish to know, I shall please you with my tale."

King Arthur thought long and hard (lol) before answering. "Just give me the short version."

"Oh, so you know of the length of the elf prince's manhood?"

"W-What?"

"I thought you would…Well anyway, I was trapped in a large cavern with a Ogre. He and I bonded over time. Turns out he had many mental issues. He, for some reason, thought it was necessary to keep the elf prince locked in his pantry...for interesting reasons, Once night when the moon was full, the Ogre and I partied. When he was busy with two rabbits, I helped the elf prince escape. He then knighted me."

"What was the ogre doing to him? What was he doing to the rabbits?"

"Oh you know…" Sir Humpton smiled.

King Arthur felt chills up his spine. THIS IS A MAN NOT TO FUCK WITH, he thought. As Arthur and Sir Humpton walked the halls of the castle, they observed the servant's work. "You missed a spot." King Arthur remarked like a douche.

"NAUGHTY KNAVE!" Exclaimed Humpton, "Shall I punish him for him for you?" Sir Humpton asked as he began to pull his trousers down.

"NO!" Screamed the serf and Arthur at once.

Sir Humpton shrugged and kept walking. The two men walked into the throne room, where Guinevere sat, arms folded; a horrible distaste face scorned her brow. Some bro mistook her for a dude in a dress today and she was in rage mode.

"My queen," Arthur greeted her, "This is sir Humpton! I am dearly sorry for bringing a stranger home from the crusades, but in my defense when I met this creature I was high off my balls, and thus you cannot blame me for thinking him interesting. Oh, well, now we art stuck with the scoundrel."

Guinevere did not speak.

"Er…" Arthur continued, "I suppose if he is here to stay. We might appointeth him to master of torture."

Now, Guinevere was a bitch, a kingdom-renowned bitch. She had been known to hop around in the streets, shouting obscenities and pleading for a new lover. She would go up to good-looking young boys and scream "PUT A BABY IN ME!" in a horrible shrill tone. She despised Arthur for his love of other ladies and countered in with a habit of boning servants, cooks, messengers, serfs, pages, nobles, washers, stable hands, merchants, and chambermaids, from time to time, mostly against their will.

Guinevere, the bitch that she was, wasn't having it. If he thought she was just going to let some ugly stranger with a throbbing erection into her house, HE WAS AT LEAST EIGHT DIFFERENT KINDS OF WRONG.

Her rageface was at stage two! She hiked up her skirts (and as she did, Humpton's erection grew larger still) She grunted like s tennis-playing lesbian, seized her absorbent vaginal cloth, and flung it with great force at Arthur!

"DEAR GOD, WOMAN!" and Arthur vomited.

Humpton's eyes grew wide and his bulge grew bulgier and his tongue wagged a great pendulum of saliva-make and disgusted water snakes.

He crept toward the bloody rag lying on the floor some feet in front of Arthur's vomiting figure, and stooped to grasp it like the The Flying Sea Cat grasping his human prey.

Guinevere watched in horror (as did Arthur, who looked up from his vomit pool, and upon seeing the scene, he resumed his expulsion of his lunch) as Humpton licked her bloody rag, (OH GAWD WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE AUTHOR OF THIS).

Had Guinevere not previously borne all of her stable hands' children, she would have vomited, too. But, strangely, she found herself…

Aroused.

Suddenly, in comes sir Lylelot, who immediately faints at the sight.

THUS BEGINS SIR HUMPTON'S TIME AT THE TINTAGEL CASTLE.


End file.
